*About the man I wrote about in my previous post*

I have been moved out of this man’s house for a little over two years now. Tonight was the first time I’d seen him since basically then.

Michael, Q, and I were grabbing a drink at a spot we typically go to if we go out. We were sitting with my back to a corner and I could see everything. I have a hat on and swear I barely looked up and saw under my bill was dude. I made a noise and looked down instantly to gide my face. Heart thumping. I inform my friends what went down and why I was being odd. WHAT GOOD FRIENDS! Instantly was told we could leave if I wanted. But I should not have to sacrifice a good watering hole due to some fucktard. Unfortunately my car was parked toward the front and has noticeable blue hubcaps he painted for me years ago.

Let me tell you the whole remainder I was on edge.
The guys and I walked out the long way to avoid passing him. Of course when I got in my car I could see him get up from the bar look the way I was sitting then walk out front to where his biker buddies were standing… which happened to be right near my car. I literally laid my seat back for a quick second until I realized I can’t just wait until he leaves. I pulled out as quick as I could without being too fast to be noticed. Pretty sure he saw, but as long as he didn’t follow on his motorcycle I’m good, which he didn’t because I would’ve heard it.
However, it’s in my mind that he put a tracker on my car somewhere. I’m sure he didn’t but still. This fucker is crazy.

Wtf. I have so many emotions running through me right now.

BACK STORY FIRST:
About 4 months ago I moved in with my friend’s, now ex, girlfriend. She wanted to light sage but she ran out or something of the sorts. My mom sent me a couple with a lava rock bracelet maybe 3 years ago. At that time I had just moved in with this man I was seeing at the time. Years later, here I am bringing it out for Bex to use on our place. The entire house was going pretty smoothed, until she walked into my room by this piece of furniture my ex gave me. The sage was basically burning out. Bex didn’t want the sage to run out so she left my room and it lit again.
Apparently when sage burns low as it did, that means there is a lot of negative energy nearby. She went back in and truly waved the sage by that tall dresser in order to take that negativity away. Honestly, it felt much better in my room after that.

NOW LAST NIGHT 7/6:
My roommate feels its acceptable to use what is mine, which honestly with most things its fine. The sage should have been left for me to use at my pleasing, but seeing as I didn’t touch it for years I’m not sure why it bothered me to see the second sage wand out.

I took this barely burned sage (different than the one she originally used to cleanse our space) and put it back in my room so she couldn’t use it.

I’m on my patio smoking the remainder of my joint trying to enjoy the sunset but there is a small part of me that is freaking out. Weed does this to me sometimes but it’s been a while. ANYWAY, I’m attempting to paint my nails outside and look around. There were markings on this thing that, in my mind, was shaped similarly to my ex’s face. It really put me on edge. On top of that my skin was dry and I was not feeling content. I try to lotion up and relax but for whatever reason could not get this uncomfortable feeling out of my system. I soon started to feel like I was being watched, specifically by him. I go in my place and try occupying myself and could not. I thought it was the lighting in the living space, so instead I went into my room where I like it. However going in there I had the heebie-jeebies. I could not get this man off my mind. It had me paranoid. I was looking around my room and saw the sage! I fucking forgot I moved it into my room. That thing had to leave! Get the fuck out. I was so nervous to leave my locked room just to remove the sage from my room. Touching it did not do me any good either!

I put it back on the counter it was on in the dining room and went back into my room to try to be at ease. I instantly felt a change in energy. My thoughts of him mostly lifted with a few dragging slowly behind.

WOW! To think this is a completely different sage wand than the one used to remove his negative energy from my furniture and still give me those feelings when they were near each other. I didn’t think it worked like that, but fuck man. That was not something I’d like to experience again.
I know being high didn’t help my feelings or my thoughts skyrocket, but I don’t believe it was only because of my high. It was this sage.

That was terrifying for me. Especially because after 3 years he still texts me occasionally (I have him blocked on my phone but he still pops into my laptops imessages) things that I don’t care to read. He’s never attempted to find out my new place of residence but I wouldn’t put it past him.

I have 2 roommates right. One is my brother (he’s been home home for 3 months) and another is a friend I’ve known for 5 years. I’ve lived with her in our last place for a year, and our current year lease is almost up. Anyway, I went into her room to show a friend of mine our entire place. My mistake was not asking (again) to show her room off. But it’s half of the condo! Anyway, she wasn’t home and she texts me asking what I needed from her room. EXCUSE ME?! Do you have a camera or just a sensor in your room? Like WHAT?! I have never stolen a single thing from her. I understand she doesn’t trust people, but are you fucking kidding me? That’s overboard dude. Yes, I should have asked but wow. Secret security system (makes sense honestly) but wow. 1) I’m embarrassed because I was caught 2) my mind is blown that she is that paranoid 3) this better not be spiking our electricity bill

I’m frustrated with myself. Not gonna lie.

I keep thinking of all these things I want to do and never do anything about it. There is nothing stopping me either. I have so much free time and I choose not to get my checklist done. As if they’ll just magically happen. LOL.

I have finally decided that I believe my parents are so judgmental but partial to their preferences.

I try to speak up about things when I think they say something that I think is over the line. I feel like an asshole doing so, but I also think my needs to be done.

I feel like this makes no sense but.. whatever

Seriously. I get that I have jealousy issues. But when you go out of your way to do things that you know I want to/love to do without me. FUCK OFF.
I’m so done with everybody. It’s not the quarantine/corona virus shit. It’s just shitty fucking people. You were there for me one second then switch sides. FUCK OFF. 

I don’t even want to go home. Like I’m so done with everyone there. I don’t have friends, and I don’t have family in Arizona. What’s keeping me? My “friends” are fake, and lie to my face day in and day out. They do things, specifically one person in general, to piss me off. They intentionally poke the open wounds to make me hurt when I already wear my heart on my sleeve. Those are no people to be around.

I get silent. That increases tension. I get that. But I don’t make throwing up noises, which believe it or not is extremely hurtful. I don’t do things intentionally that would piss my “friend” off. I actually think, if not overthink situations which is not great either, about what I’m doing that will effect the people I surround myself with. At this point I’m gonna be alone and keep to myself before I move out. Fuck who I live with. Fuck the shitshow. Fuck whoever hurt me, especially if it was on purpose. 

I’m hurt enough. I’M DONE.

WRITE ABOUT 5 BLESSINGS IN YOUR LIFE

1. My niece. She was definitely a mistake. But she’s so precious and my family adores her. She’s so smart and funny. It’s sweet too because she wants to be like Aunty Dan, even though I’ve not really been around her for 4 years.

2. My family. If I didn’t have their support I wouldn’t have been able to leave out of state to try and start my life. I thankfully had some financial support the first year to get me started. It was also hard to leave them, but they assured me this was going to be good for me.

3. Hockey. I’ve met so many amazing people because of hockey. I’ve also gotten to travel for tournaments. I’ve been to Alaska! How fucking awesome. I mean, I guess anyone could go, but other than for a cruise why would someone go?

4.Technology. If it weren’t for technology I wouldn’t be able to facetime with my family who lives a far away. It’s brought a world of knowledge simply at my fingertips. It’s allowed us to meet people from around the world!

5. Books. Saying that is kind of funny. But I’m serious. Books are such a blessing. You can escape reality by jumping into another person’s story. Or you can look into the past and read history.

SOMETHING YOU ALWAYS THINK “WHAT IF…” ABOUT

The biggest “what if” I can think of in reference to the past is: What if I didn’t come out to Arizona State after community college and stayed in the Bay with my family. I see so many people who didn’t go out of state for school, or rather a school to where you need alternative housing, that are still living at home and not really doing anything with their lives. 
Don’t get me wrong, I’m currently a college graduate that hasn’t been searching for a job in my career path. 
But, they haven’t explored that independence because they’re still at home in the same towns we grew up in. It’s almost been 8 years since I graduated and what have they experienced?

It’s crazy to think about. I’m sure I’d still be at home. But I don’t even know what I’d be doing for a job. I was comfortable at the theater. Granted going to the community college and staying after graduation I may have pursued a job in the City with everyone else.

I mean, other former classmates are still at home or relying on their family in a way because they have children. Some have three and are married. Would I have gotten knocked up if I were still there? Oh. It’s weird.

WRITE ABOUT SOMETHING FOR WHICH YOU FEEL STRONGLY

This was a huge problem between me and the last guy I was dating. I believe guys and girls can have platonic friendships. Not everyone is looking to bang. Sometimes you just understand each other and have no attraction. It’s hard enough to make friends as it is. Why cut off the other half of people just because they don’t have the same body parts as you?
He made me question my beliefs on this with some phrases that caught my attention. For an example I would go hang out with my guy friends but he would say you’re going to bond with another guy! I never thought of it with different phrasing and its weird. I kind of get that, but I’m a person that will invite my s/o with me and if he doesn’t go Ill tell him where we’re going for how long.
Maybe it’s because I don’t like hiding this from my person? I’m an open book. I would feel too much guilt for doing something and would have to own up to it.
Either way, it’s nice to get a second opinion. You have one from your female best friend and you male best friend. You see different perspectives can figure things out from there. I love when my guy friends ask for for advice. It shows they care about their girlfriend or whoever.

POST SOME WORDS OF WISDOM THAT SPEAK TO YOU

“Take a chance, you never know how perfect something might turn out to be”
“Spontaneity is the best kind of adventure”
“There is no improvement without failure”
“Kindness is free. Sprinkle it everywhere”

SHARE SOMETHING YOU STRUGGLE WITH

I struggle with letting how other people view me effect my perception of myself. I don’t like when others don’t like me. I let it get to my head when people are negative toward me. But because they don’t like me or certain things, I do my best to change their mind, which usually continues to make things worse.

In my current situation, I like this boy (31) who is just way too insecure and controlling for me to actually be with. He thinks I’m some hoe that dresses in practically nothing (at festivals) for attention. He has no trust for me when I am an open book to everyone. This boy is causing me so much turmoil within myself. I keep what he says in my mind even though I know none of it is true. But it hurts and it sticks with me. It pains me so much that my last shroom trip I did an art piece on my mirror. I wrote down some names/adjectives used to describe me on my mirror and took a picture of myself naked in it. Words stick with me. They hurt more than anything.

That is one thing I struggle with; Letting other’s opinions of me change how I see myself.

LIST 10 SONGS THAT YOU’RE LOVING RIGHT NOW.
(In no particular order)

1. Friends - FLUME
2. Hurt People - TWO FEET, MADISON LOVE
3. I Love You. - KAVION
4. Crave You - FLIGHT FACILITIES
4. With You - SODOWN
5. Spaceship - LSDREAM
6. Never Change - GETTER
7. Bury Me Low - 8 GRAVES
8. Bruises - NGHTMRE
9. Just Dance - ARIUS
10. Running to You - SLANDER, SPAG HEDDY, ELLE VEE